Last night as I layed (or is it lied? (that just makes me feel like I’m not being honest) Perhaps lyed? (I think that’s past tense for a type of soap). I can’t believe I’m already off on some tangent five words into my blog. That’s definitely a personal record, and perhaps a world record at that. I could probably write an entire blog based solely (not like James Brown or feet) off this tangent. I think my ADD is kicked in full gear at the moment. That’s what happens when I don’t write for months). Anyways…last night as I lied (repeat entire last sentence) in bed, I realized that my inner voice is having an identity crisis. She (yeah I know, I’m surprised about the femininity of my inner voice as well. That’s probably where the identity crisis starts. I don’t think it ever hit puberty so it at least sounds like a she to me.) does not know how to address me. Sometimes it’s “I need to do something” and other times it’s “you need to do something”. I think it’s based off of the circumstance. For instance; if I just did something really well, my inner voice says “I did a really good job”. However (said like Stephen A. Smith), if I did something poorly, my inner voice says “You did a bad job”. Now if I really mess up, my inner voice distances herself from me even further, “David really screwed this up. That guy just can’t get it right”. Perhaps my inner voice isn’t having an identity crisis at all; maybe it’s just that my inner voice is a bandwagon fan of me. Occasionally she'll throw out a "We did a good job", to which my outer voice will yell out "Shut up schizo, we're one person!!". I am curious if I am the only person whose inner voice does this to him, or if anyone else’s inner voice was not educated in the proper 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd person narratives? Perhaps that’s all it really is; uneducated. Because I never remember my inner voice trying to wake me up in english class. She must have been sleeping the whole time, even when I was awake and my outer voice was learning. Wow, my inner voice is stupid; and she isn’t even saying anything to dispute that right now.

21. When I inadvertently make a loud noise quite similar to that of one that would normally come from the rectal region, and attempting to duplicate the sound to quickly dismiss any notion to the public that it was what it sounded like, and every time I attempt to duplicate the sound, it sounds nothing like the original sound.

22. Splash back when doing my business on the toilet.

23. Feeling like an idiot when I realize how common the word is that I couldn’t think of

24. When I’ve waited so long to send a gift or write something that doing it now would be more offensive than not

25. The suspicion that my 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner isn’t as effective as applying shampoo and conditioner separately

26. When the person that I’m waiving to doesn’t see me waving, but then catches me awkwardly retracting my wave

27. When a non-attractive person comments on my looks, forcing me to either return the compliment insincerely, or simply say thank you and nothing more, removing any doubt that I might think that person is also attractive.

28. When my reply to a question is dependent on my complete comprehension of I word I don’t know

29. That pharmacies don’t have a “Staff Recommends” section. “Fruit-Eze Stool Softener is my favorite. Provides perfect consistency. – Tom”

30. When people tell me in person how much they enjoyed something I posted, but didn't leave a comment (that's for you Mr Johnson)

31. When the brief thrill of making the yellow light and not seeing blue lights behind me ends when I hit the next red light

32. Wondering “Do I really listen to my music that loudly?” every time I start my car

33. Banana bruises that are not visible on the outside of the peel

34. The armrest warfare that takes place with the person sitting next to me on a plane or at a movie theater

35. Getting drops on my pants while peeing, and then trying to cover it up by saying the faucet sprayed me, or better yet, shaking my hand after I’ve washed them so there are even more drops on my pants and it is more believable.

36. Not getting drops on my pants, only to have the faucet spray me.

37. The inability of falling back to sleep in attempt to finish the great dream I was having

38. Realizing through pictures that I’ve worn the same shirt in all of the nice events I’ve ever gone to

39. Discovering that a talent I have will never be of any benefit to me ( I can’t even think of one because I probably gave it up once realizing it would never do me any good)

40. Realizing, while playing my ten year old cousin in a video game, that I really am the overly competitive crazy that everyone accuses me of being

 I have recently returned to the wonderful world of interviewing. This is my favorite part of the work process. It’s the one area in life where I get to tell someone how awesome I am and have them genuinely want to hear it. And let me tell ya, it’s very difficult for me to shorten that conversation to just one hour. I only have time to briefly scratch the surface on some of the highlights. I really feel like I’m doing them a disservice by not getting out the depths of my greatness. It’s a shame really; a crying shame.

  I feel like I will get the job, not because of the detailed explanation of my greatness (though that would be enough), but because of my interview tactics that I used to perfection. Click on that link and you too can be proficient in the realm of interview techniques. I think I’m going to write a book about it; Interview Techniques: The Modern Day Tactics to Land Your Dream Job. Look out New York Times; you have a new best seller about to top your list.

 Due to the aforementioned interview, I had to shave today. It was the first time my face had seen a razor in over two months. I had grown quite close to my facial hair; seeing as how we are literally attached. My face is naked. I’ve enjoyed the scruffy bum look that I’ve been rockin for the past few months, and it was sad to see it go. But I guess it’s not really fare to hide a face this great behind some hair. It’s kind of like the “This little light of mine” song. Hide it under a bushel? No!

   And yes, I have had a job since writing about my interviewing techniques. (The company just called me back as I'm writing this for a second interview tomorrow. This stuff really works)